Lay my burden down…

I am so happy… so very happy… that I have left some of the email communities that I was a part of.

I’ve been perplexed… and angry… and hurt… and tired… so very tired… of having to put up with what I see as illness. Ego-driven illness. Perhaps there were more elegant ways that I could have handled myself, but I’m not really sure what they were. And as they say, done is done. Lines have been drawn, and all of that base human nonsense, and you know what? I think it’s a good thing. In the long-run I think things will be the better for it. There is a time and a place for anger… when there is injustice, anger assists us. It can be a compass, telling us where to direct our power. In the end it told me to direct mine elsewhere.

So now I find myself able to write again. And work on my art. That is what is most important to me…

So the work on the book is moving right along. I feel it would have been finished by now, had this whole thing not happened, but oh well… I learned a lot in the process.

I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me. Pass the popcorn.

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13 responses to “Lay my burden down…

  1. It can be a compass, telling us where to direct our power. In the end it told me to direct mine elsewhere.
    You know, it’s all having a similar effect on me. Lately I’ve felt that out of that whole community there are only a handful of people I truly respect and want to hang on to. I’m having this crazy realization that I’ve been poisoned by my experience coming into the Craft through a poisoned community. It’s pretty weird and makes me feel I need some sort of spiritual therapy or retraining in another tradition in order to give me the tools to separate the good from the ill in what I learned.

    • This is an interesting validation for me, as you are one of those people whom I wanted to keep a connection to! I too was feeling ‘poisoned’ by my experience, but you know what? I think even that is good in the long-run… a small dose of poison that grants a vision… true it’s been a lot of small doses, constantly… for years… but it is the realization of it that grants the power.
      I feel that the tools that I learned in this community are sound (if only everyone actually practiced them!). In the end our particular Craft is not about community… it is about the Self, and I certainly have learned a lot about myself in the process. Now I feel it is my job to take that sense of self and use it to build the type of community that I think is healthy. But it must be intentional. Just this business of accepting people solely based on initiatory status is bogus. It creates the type of elitest thinking that allows these sorts of problems to fluorish.
      I say this is all a lesson for those who are paying attention. We are all learning who we want to create community with, and how we want to act. We are learning where our power is and that is the biggest teaching of all. So I bless this situation… I even thank him… for through the pain of it all I have learned that I am willing to do what I think is right and honorable, even when that is painful. I wouldn’t have known that otherwise. What better lesson could one hope for from the Craft?
      So… I hope you don’t feel poisoned for too long. I hope that we can continue to share our stories and learn from each other. (I know I have certainly learned a lot from you, and I hardly even know you.) When all is said and done the community we want is in our hearts. Let’s just focus on that and let the others have their own. We don’t really need them anyway. (And our parties will be much more fun without the attitude!) 😉

    • Oh my God, you are describing my feelings exactly!
      Right now I am just finding my grounding elsewhere, in my relationships, in my art projects.
      Odd that it’s so hard for me to separate “Feri” from “the Feri community”. But then, since building Feri community has been my main schtick, I guess it makes sense. I’m a child of the Feri community, in a way. Kind of like coming from a dysfunctional family, I guess. Hmm. The pain of it feels similar, too, and so does my reaction to it, feeling stuck and alone. Ugh.
      I’m glad you guys are here.
      xoxo

  2. different methods
    Perhaps there were more elegant ways that I could have handled myself, but I’m not really sure what they were.
    I said the same thing when I left Chris after living with him for six years. I’m sure there were more graceful, less painful ways of dealing… for everyone… but I, in mySelf & at that time, couldn’t have used them.
    I could give you the long, excruciatingly detailed version of “how you could’ve handled all that better”–except that *you* couldn’t have, and nobody else could’ve, so it becomes more like “how you, in a hypothetical universe where you knew then all that you know now, could’ve acted in a way less painful for everyone.” Sometimes a fine exercise; useful for similar situations in the future; not something to guilt-trip yourself up over.

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